liminality.

i'm a space cadet that over thinks everything.
i'm an over-analytical flake.
a slob with OCD.
a fantasy obsessed realist.
my brain is constructed with organized chaos.

i have a fairly broad vocabulary[i think] but i haven't heard the word liminality until now.

i'm reminded of the movie- pheobe in wonderland- about a young girl who lives between two worlds. similar to alice in wonderland, but instead of falling down a rabbit hole and having a whirlwind adventure, pheobe continuously lives in the 'in-between'.

i often feel that this is how i live my life.
This may be the reason i insist on making lists, charts, calendars, organized piles with distinction, reminders telling me not to forget to do something important, with another reminder telling me not to dismiss the previous, until its complete.

how many moments, adding up to hours, days, do i spend trying to find the answer?

there is no up, down, only in between. i work to get the first thing done, but before i can even get the materials out to do so, my mind has wandered hop, skip, and jump, three things past and i must sit and scramble to put the pieces together to find where i am.
it makes it very difficult to get much done.

structure. purpose. goals. ideals. deadlines. assignments. distractions. imagination. self distruction. excuses. shame. exhaustion.

like alice, i beg for a world that isn't the way this one is.
i would love to live among flowers that sang to me. bread&butterflies.
tea parties with no reason, but plenty of rhymes.
but again, i know, much like she eventually did, i'd beg for normalcy, structure and sense.
beg for my feet to land, lightly on the ground, right side up at the bottom of the rabbit hole.
with a way to reach the top again.
or the sense to look up.
toward the light of reality.

liminality, to me, shows that great space between;
my impervious purgatory, the incredible heaven/hell concubinage.
resistance to reality, acceptance of fantasy, allowance of uncertainty.

"if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.
nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't.
and contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be.
and what it wouldn't be, it would.
you see?" 
-alice, alice in wonderland

dear crayola,

attached is a list i've compiled of names of new crayons for you to make. i think you should use them because they have great imagery, and i feel as if some people will not only relate to but also, get a kick out of their names. i won't charge you anything for my ideas.. as long as you send a free box to me.
love,
sydney


spring leaves
ariel's hair red
hamburger grease orange
dried up oatmeal
sopping newspaper
michael jackson's sparkle glove
split-pea soup
pollution sunset
hooker blue eyeshadow
unicorn blood
thriller jacket red
british teeth
smokey full moon
ripe pumpkin
dead worms on the side walk pink
melted spiderman ice cream
edward scissorhands skin
after dinner mints
old lady pink
melted snow-slush grey-brown

looking into my future..

..and i see my child.

reverse letters.

dear sydney,

SAVE ME.

-money

dear sydney,

SPEND ME.

-money

dear sydney,

please purchase a new chi. i'm struggling here.

-hair

dear sydney,

be fearless.

i was.

signed oscar wilde

dear sydney,

can you please use me a little more wisely. you're beginning to take me for granted.

signed creativity

dear sydney,

you're embarassing.

signed sydney

be jealous.

truth be told.

you&me[period]

together it feels like we are constantly living as question marks.
with the curve of my back fitting perfectly inside the curve of your front. always questioning what this is, where we are, what have we done, how to fix this, can it be fixed, where did we mix what we shouldn't have mixed in this mess that now can't be undone? i wonder if we'll ever find the answers we need to feel complete with ourselves and with each other. all i want is for us to be happy. ridiculously happy little exclamation points facing one another. while exclaiming what could only be a love [possibly] meant to be. but i don't know if that will ever happen.
so whatever we can resolve, i'm hoping it will involve a definite ending with a period.
after you&me.

sometimes has become a home.

because sometimes i am ambitious.

sometimes i am a dreamer.

sometimes i am motivated.

sometimes i give up.

sometimes my heart is cold.

and sometimes i am lonely.

sometimes i feel defeated.

sometimes i can take on the world.

but sometimes is safe.
sometimes doesn't require decision.

sometimes has no deadline.

sometimes allows for changed minds.

sometimes has become my home.

hey it's okay..

..to shop in the men's section.
..to have miley cyrus and the jonas brothers on the same playlist as the xx and grizzly bear.
..to wear the same pants 2 days in a row.. or 3.
..to disappear for a while.
..to have a brick phone and be behind on technology.
..to count the stairs at school as exercise.
..to want a mushaboom family.
..to eat ice cream out of the container.

love map.

lent goes as follows:
1. give up something. i.e. fried food, sweets, coke, blah blah blah.
2. make it 1 week.
3. feel guilty.

well.. a girl in my young adults bible study at st. andrews found this calendar and we all decided to follow it instead of giving something up. it completes my heart.
there are a couple of dates i'm anxious about. some make my stomach do flips.
but i'll do it.
i'll make it.
just say a little prayer.

and let me know if you want to be my partner in this and we can keep each other on track.

for dust you are, and to dust you will return.

confession.
i was more than angry this morning.
racing to the 7am service at st andrews.
i focused on my surroundings.
i told myself this was going to be the only enjoy life moment of my day.
i am marked by a cross made of ashes on my forehead.

i snap back to reality. i'm 10 minutes late for class.
i need coffee. and truck stops have the best coffee. black.
as i fumble for money to pay i feel a tap on my shoulder.
it's a dan conner look alike; trucking is his occupation.
conversation:

Man- yes mam uh what is that on your forehead? a tattoo?

Me- oh no, it's ash. From the Ash Wednesday service.

Man- why you have ashes?

result:
amazing, enlightening, emotional conversation on beliefs i hold so tight to.
there we stood. outside the petro. talking about what god means to me.
i saw that all you need sometimes is a reality check.
a situation that makes you put on your breaks.
and be a little thankful.
we never exchanged names.
but i know he fulfilled my heart.

go.

listen.

i may be obsessive. and i may be paranoid.
i may worry. and i may over analyze.
and i may be contradictory and indecisive.
i may never be right. and i might always be wrong.
i may be too honest. i might always embellish.
but at least you know who i am.
at least i know who i am.
i don't tell you i want to change when i have no intention of trying.
i know i don't want to change.
as of now, this is who i am.
i don't think i'm someone i'm not.
i don't pat myself on the back.
i don't settle.
i no longer play pretend friend. you're no longer in my life for a reason.
i no longer carry on superficial conversation.
i won't agree with you because it's appropriate.
i will no longer be part of a shallow life.
or believe shallow things because that's how i was raised.
or because that's what you believe.
i will not silence myself to please you.
don't silence me to please yourself.
i will always agree to disagree and you were always in my life for a reason.
but i've grown.
my heart has grown.
my morals, beliefs, values and everything synonymous with these have grown.
i now have a mind of my own.
filled with conclusions i have drawn on my own.

a man is only as good as his word.
and if you live your life by saying one thing and doing the opposite,
then count me out.
if you believe naive things because that's what you were taught,
then count me out.

and stop rolling your eyes when we talk about issues that mean something to me.
stop calling me weird.
stop judging me.
maybe if you opened your heart
you'll find my values somewhat comprehensible.

"Sam tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something.

"I feel infinite."

And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they ever heard. Because the sog was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way."

the perks of being a wallflower.stephen chbosky

put it in your pocket.

i avoid talking on the phone at all costs.
my gas light is always on.
i view the world in color blocks.
if i don't want to listen what you're saying i'll pick out the beat of your voice.
i usually formulate my thoughts into prose.
i have lists of expectations and dreams.
     reality continues to intervene.
i don't think i'll ever get old.
i'm completely in love with my new school.
i am slowly weeding out the people that don't belong in my life garden.
     and planting people that do.
     and watering people and friendships that need a little tending to.
i've googled&contacted overseas adoption agencies.
     [these locations are part of the secret i'm keeping to myself.]
i have a huge fear of not being able to write the multitude of books i have stored in my head.
i am insanely jealous of the girl that pat monahan wrote marry me about.
     seriously some of the most beautiful lyrics i've ever heard.
i want to walk away from a conversation and be fulfilled.
i want to change the world,
     but mostly i want to be different from it.

major.

girl crush.

hayley williams.paramore.

time to go home.

i will never lay down without a fight.

i've been reading donald miller's "a million miles in a thousand years".
and i mostly feel like i'm looking in a mirror.
or reading about myself.
reading about my family..

"Robert McKee put down his coffee cup and leaned onto the podium. He put his hand on his forehead and wiped back his gray hair. He said, "You have to take your character to the place where he just can't take it anymore." He looked at us with a tenderness we hadn't seen in him before. "You've been there haven't you? You've been out on the ledge. The marriage is over now; the dream is over now; nothing good can come from this."
He got louder. "Writing a story isn't about making your peaceful fantasties come true. The whole point of the story is the character arc. You didn't think joy could change a person, did you? Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it's conflict that changes a person." His voice was like thunder now. "You put your characters through hell. You put them through hell. That's the only way we change."

a couple of pages later:

"..I wasn't numb anymore. I was allowed to feel the brunt of it. The bones penetrated my chest in a sudden rip, emptying a body of blood down my shirt and onto my lap. The blood pooled in the lap of my pants and seeped into the carpet in my hotel room. I clasped my hand over my heart and knelt between the bed and the television and rolled onto the floor and cried out to God a lamenting demand that he would come and save me from the sorrow that, for the immensity of it, I could only attribute to him in the first place. I didn't want to learn whatever it was he wanted to teach me. I cried out to him an angry petititon for rescue. I doubted him and needed him at the same time. God seemed to me, in that moment, a cruel father burning a scar into my skin with his cigarette. And yet I knew he was the only one with the power to make the pain go away."

i understand nothing in this moment.

my heart feels like it's in a coma.

and further,

 if there was any hope left for love in the romantic sense,

i assure you it's dead.
my trust has been shot down within inches of obliteration.

so, good luck with that.

dear c.s. lewis,

i believe we were meant to be.

wrong time.

wrong generation.

oh well,

i get you.

lately.

i can't..

speak clear sentences.
form a thought intelligent enough to say in class.

eat normally.

grasp the concept of time.

do anything social.

find my emotions.

keep my phone charged.

get my obsession with books and music under control.

get my freckles to come out of hiding.
paint.

i think the world is spinning backwards again.

today.

1. The Walkmen - Postcards from Tiny Islands

2. Dead Man’s Bones - Dead Man’s Bones
3. Deerhunter - Never Stops
4. Logos - Walkabout
5. Bear in Heaven - Lovesick Teenagers
6. Wild Beasts - All the King’s Men
7. Nirvana - Lake of Fire
8. The Smiles and Frowns - the Echoes of Time
9. Little Dragon - Twice
10. Horse Feathers - Finch on Saturday
11. Johnny Cash - The Man Comes Around
12. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros - 40 Day Dream
13. Devendra Banhart - Goin Back
14. Beach House - D.A.R.L.I.N.G
15. Dead Man’s Bones - My Body’s a Zombie For You

and from your lips she drew the hallelujah.

if you know my heart
you know it's engulfed in music.
naturally, i have a lists of songs that have changed my life.

leonard cohen: hallelujah
is first.

this song has layers of meaning.
it has over 15 verses, only a few are used in the original.
he performs a different version at every concert.
this song is alluring.
bottomless mystery pours out of it.

it begins as a love song to music itself.
its first verse describes the song’s chord pattern.
the type of progression that might have been sung at high mass.
on the most sacred occasions.

biblical allusions pile up:
david plays his harp to soothe king saul,
and then has an affair with bathsheba.
at the end of the second verse, lyrics become twisted:
a reference to samson and delilah.
and intimations of sadomasochism and death:

“she tied you

to a kitchen chair

she broke your throne,

she cut your hair

and from your lips she drew the hallelujah.”

this song about
 sex, temptation, adultery and religion spirals inward.
it becomes a meditation on the meaning--
or perhaps the meaninglessness--
of life.
the shout of devotion morphs into an ecstatic cry.
then a defeated moan.
the interjection that means “praise ye the lord” turns hollow.
in the end, “it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”

“maybe there’s a god above

and all I ever learned from love

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.”

the narrative explores how the..
erotic becomes political,
how relationships are defined.
not by trust but by conquest,
 and how lovers become trophies to be discarded.
and, somehow, the survivors hope it will be different next time.
the broken hallelujah is life itself.

haunt me.

Donate Now: 1-877-99-HAITI in US/Canada, or go to http://www.hopeforhaitinow.org/

this...
left me speechless.
is the second best version of my favorite song i've ever listened to.
song is so unbelievably haunting.
is the best performance justin has ever given.
made me fall in love with matt morris.
left me with mascara stained cheeks. and chill bumps.

if you aren't moved by this, your heart has no connection to music.
and for that i feel truly sorry for you.
if you can't feel intense passion pouring out, your heart has no connection to music.
and for that i feel truly sorry for you.
if this performance does not leave your heart connected to music,
i will give you half of mine.

because there is no doubt in my mind these two musicians
were born with headphones attached to their hearts.

dear future husband.

you will have these on the first day we meet.
love,
me.

heart strings.

coachella could possibly be my boyfriend. he just.. gets me.

i'm tempted to hitch hike to california.

hey, if the hippies made it to woodstock,

i can make it to coachella.

peter pan.

by the end of 2010,

2 more girls out of this group will have worn a white dress down the aisle.

when did i become an adult?

when am i supposed to become an adult?

next.

haiti.

turn the tv on and suddenly, your problems seem very small.

i need to apologize for my selfish habits lately.

as sat on my couch in the house my parents provide me, wrapped in a warm robe, drinking coffee and thinking about my new classes at mc.
i was humbled very quickly.
awestruck by complete chaos;

i felt overwhelming compassion for the people screaming for help
in a language i could not understand.
and i realized how ungrateful i am for my wonderful life.

i can not begin to imagine how scared they must be.
how many can't find their famiy members.
how many they will hav to bury.

how lost they must feel.

you know what reminds me that there is still good left in the world?
when something like this happens,
nations from all over the globe come together and
help.
remeber to say a prayer in your heart for the people of haiti.

past. future. now.

lately i have wanted to go back in time.

i would hitch hike to woodstock.

i would tell andy warhol we were soulmates.

i would cry on august 16, 1977. and stand outside the gates of graceland, candle in hand.

i'd go to a janis joplin concert.

i wouldn't wish to do anything drastic and change history.

just meet people who have influenced me.

just meet an inspiration.

lately i have wanted to go into the future.

i would tell my children i was just like them once.

i want to tell them i can't wait to meet them.

someday.

i want to see a classroom full of students.

all waiting for me to teach them.

i want to be sure i wake up to a nashville sun and fall asleep to a nashville moon.

everyday.

i would like to know that all i want is possible.

since i cannot have all of this, i suppose i will live for today.

go to lunch with my dad and thrifting with mom.

curl up on the couch with roxy.

maybe sneak in some time to re-read ryan adams' poetry book.

and play scrabble with my parents.

drink margs with my fire friend.

and maybe this is all i really need to make me happy.

genius.

i would have given anything to be a part of this conversation..

"i wonder if it's possible to have a love affair that lasts forever.."

"things have gotten closer to the sun
and i've done things in small doses
so don't think that i'm pushing you away
when you're the one i've kept the closest."

crystalised - the xx

goodbye 2009. i won't miss you.

with a blink of the eye,

christmas break has reached its end,

and 2009 has disappeared.

2010 stares me straight in the face,

daunting and unfamiliar.

daring me to make goals,

challenging me.

i'm looking forward to:

a change of scenery.

a change of heart.

a change of desires.

a change of needs.

a change of beliefs.

a change of truths.

2010,

i'm counting on you.

reminder.

dear future children,

you have some stiff competiton.

está siempre en mi corazón.

i am needing these girls now more than ever.