until they sparked.

i looked down the line. faces from my past rushed at me,
some with their smiles, some with their hands shoved into the pockets of their jeans.
i saw brunettes and toe-heads,
their heights and eye colors ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other.
i don't repel guys, i realized with slight surprise, scratching my head.
quite the contrary; i attract them and then have no idea what the fuck to do with it.

a world full of first kisses, both drunken and sober, a stomach full of butterflies, the awkwardness of intimacy, and the heart shattering moments of secrets exist amongst this group.
it is what ties them together, permanently bonded by at least one thing:
me.
i am what they have in common, whether our time together ended well of with jagged edges, dropped like a careless glass bowl.

i run my eyes over their faces, locating where each of them hits me;
my heart, my brain, my fingers. feelings lighting up in patches all over.

they are waiting, for something.
not for me, but for me.
what is it? i rack my brain as they wait, patiently, for me to understand.
they are not waiting for me. i don't want them, and they sure as hell don't want me.
yet still they stand there, feet shoulder width apart, looking like they know, just know,
it will come.
and it does.

it hits me like a truck, nearly knocking me off of my feet; i lose my breath, my existence temporarily suspended.
they are not waiting for me. they are waiting for me to realize that they are not waiting for me.
i should not be waiting for them. i should not be waiting for anyone.

smiles crease their faces.
they turn and shake hands, like doctors who have finally diagnosed a patient after years of not understanding the symptoms.
as i watch, they file silently out the door; some throw a wave, some don't even look at me, some give a lingering glance,
and my breath comes back to me as they leave me, as much as they can.

this is where i find myself slightly giddy at the thought of having no one in the room with me.
what have i been waiting for? what am i waiting for? have i just been too damn stubborn to listen?
yes, i answer softly, with a chuckle. of course.
and i stand here, on my own two feet. this is me, and you know what? i am damn proud.

i hear life is a journey, not a destination. my anziety riddled days have been haunting me, leaving me speechless, wandering aimlessly down streets and avoiding eye contact with those who have discovered this lesson.
i am young; but not so young that i should be here still. so what?
tomorrow is a whole new day. and really, that's all i have to worry about.
time to take part in that journey,
throw my hands up like a rollercoaster and remember to breathe.

random. but do you expect anything less?

1. a baby is born with 300 bones, but an adult only has 206. if someone wants to explain that to me i'd appreciate it.
2. the truman show. sometimes i think i might be truman. you'd tell me if i was truman, right?
3. ugh. i hate when my hands swell. and they get all tingly from celiac crap.
4. big&rich. hinder. shania twain. celine dion. creed. nickleback. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.
5. favorite number.
6. sommmmeeeebody trade intestines with me. seriously. anybody.
7. i still believe i'll be a cosby kid or a soul train dancer when i grow up. oh and i'll for sure be married to joe jonas.
8. lawd, i love a list.
9. i got back from chicago 5 days ago. my left calf muscle is still sore.
10. speaking of obession, i'm infatuated with anatomical hearts. perhaps it's just the word anatomical.
11. wait, you'd let me know if i really was truman, right?
12. oh i suppose you need to know why my left calf muscle hurts. i got lost for 3 hours. and what i mean by lost is, i walked for 3 hours. in the cold chicago rain. my toes were bleeding. and i was attacked by a vicious wolf/dog and he ate my hand off. okay, one of these statements is false. and according to terry, all of these statements are false.
13. my ocd/anxiety is just not going to let me post a number 13.
14. why do all my friends call/text/bbm me to diagnose them? and why do i always know the answer? i think i'm a hypocondriac.
15. my therapist says it's good for me to write these lists because they help me worry less and they tone down my OCD rituals. however, i'm going to make #15 long just because 15 is a nice well rounded number to end on. so much for toning down my rituals huh?

worth it.

i'm not a patient person. i want everything.
i don't want anything.
but when i do find something i want, i find a way to get it.
i can play by the rules,
but i've been known to bend them from time to time
when it counts.
it's a way of saying
i did not come here to lose.

i brush my teeth when i'm upset.
i have too many moleskines i will never fill up.
i can't hide a smile.
i'm never hungry.
i giggle and i'm goofy.

this might not be pretty, and it might be a bumpy start.
but my roads are always paved with good intentions.
and i have to find a way to fight, to beat the odds
to prove i'm worth it.

i am learning to
quiet my thoughts.
be in the moment, not analyzing the moment.
find the wavelengths, and sync mine to yours.

but you have to attempt what i cannot conquer..
patience.

i could walk away and forget you. the same way i've done every other person.

there's just one thing.

i don't want to.

for you.

you make me nervous in a way that makes me like being nervous.

you should be warned.

i have been hurt a handful of times.

 but like any girl who has opened her heart,

i am not special or unique to a broken heart.

it is not hard for me to be open,

but it is extremely difficult for me to trust.

i have fought hard for my heart.

taking every measure to not allow it to harden.

it is always a risk to continue to give your heart away after each disappointment.

but there are days like today..

days where i feel like locking it up and running in the other direction.

matters of the heart can be scary. what do you do when your heart is begging you to be brave, but you aren't sure how or if you can at all?

heartsong.

yesterday he looked at me
with a tear in his eye and said i'll always tell you you're my friend.
i hope i don't have to lie.
cause it's clear you love another man.
i said... "you're damn right"
and he said

he said it's crazy
how love stays with me.
you know it hurts me
cause I don't wanna fight this war.
it's amazing to see me reading through this scene
of love and fear and apologies.

he said it's crazy
how love stays with me.
you know it hurts me
that i didn't figure it out before.
and now it's too late for a soliloquy
it's way too late for dignity
it's time for apologies.
[grace potter and the nocturnals. apologies]

i'm jumping..

"there was excitement and the air was filled with the vibration of really joyous life that knows nothing of disappointment and white sorrows and all that." -kerouac

[...so that i can live. there comes a point when you realize that you are no longer sure about anything anymore, but it's okay, because that is where you needed to be all along. the uncertainty of where everything stands is seemingly chaos, but after taking a closer look, there is a beautiful, sentient order to the mystification of love and passion. and i finally feel... okay. with not knowing. with not needing that affirmation.]

run.

whatever that may mean to two people in their 20s.
be it, "can we go somewhere and get lost?"

 i will take either.

wait here.

i am chasing a feeling.
that i am unsure is even possible to get back.


a feeling, hidden among nights in foreign cities.
tangled in phone lines and cool bedsheets.
beginning in the bottom of my stomach. 
i'm not sure where it’s coming from.. 
or when it even started.
but i know i never want it to go away.


you are stuck in my head.
along side a combination of trite song lyrics.
and the lingering thought that this is all a lost cause..

sweetest downfall.

here please.

points if you know where this is.

major.

girl crush.

hayley williams.paramore.

dear future husband.

you will have these on the first day we meet.
love,
me.

vivere senza rimpianti.

"and i told you to be patient.
and i told you to be fine.
and i told you to be balanced.
and i told you to be kind.

and now all your love is wasted.
and who the hell was i?
i'm breaking all your bridges.
and at the end of all your lines."

just sayin.

resilience
re·sil·ience [ ri zíllyənss ] or re·sil·ien·cy [ ri zíllyənssee ]

Definition:
1. speedy recovery from problems: the ability to recover quickly from setbacks

2. elasticity: the ability of matter to spring back quickly into shape after being bent, stretched, or deformed

let it be me.

no matter what happens now

you shouldn't be afraid.

because i know today

has been the most perfect day i've ever seen.

-radiohead[videotape]

in repair.

i have you, but i don't want you. but only sometimes. i don't have you, but i want you. i'm the most independently dependent person ever. one second i'm clingy. the next i don't want you around. i have my own friends, but i want to meet all of yours. i always get my feelings hurt, but i'm tough as nails. i just want to be needed. i will be in control and fix everything. i cry alot and secretly long to have kids, but i want to run away to a big city and start this whole thing called life over all by myself. i want you there. i want you to wipe away my tears. i don't ever want you to see me cry. i've got this. i'll make my own money and buy everything myself. take me out to dinner and treat me nice. just hold me for a while. not too tight.

i say yes, but i mean no.

and i say no, but i mean yes.

"she likened it to a childhood crush.

such strong almost obsessive feelings..

but more - it had depth.

she felt attracted to everything about him.

The way he talked, the way he dressed, the words he used.

Yet he was filled with a deep knowledge of wise insights.

He always said the right things --

even when she didn't want to hear them.

The darkness lifted&she could suddenly see beyond.

When he breezed into the room -

He brought clarity&brightness with him.

He was walking hope&she could tell that things for her be..

..not fantastic or wonderful or happily ever after..

But that they could be okay.

And that was enough"

-cecelia ahern[if you could see me now.]

grateful.

this weekend i was grateful..

..for getting to spend time with 2 great boys.

{1. nugget

2. puts a smile on my face.}

..for not fighting with my mom all weekend.

..for friends that giggled with me about #2.

..for major bonding with my sister.

..for my parents meeting #2 & for meeting his.

..for winning nemo at the fair for nugget.

..for having a new found respect for college dropouts.

..for amazing conversations in the rain.

..for friends that told me a hundred times over they're happy for me

&called a hundred times over to ask me every detail.

..for finding this picture that i will forever see as molly&me..

..for sharing a turkey leg with baby nugget.

..for finding my real smile that's been missing for years.

dear life,

i envisioned you,

in perfection, because that's what i do.

but tonight,

your sudden surprises are putting a smile on my face.

tonight,

an unexpected someone is making..

..my heart beat,

 a little faster

..my palms,

a tad clammy

..my words,

a little twisted

..my insides,

all giddy.

tonight i felt 16.

and happy.

thank you.