a reminder for myself.

"Why do you think you're here, Oskar?"
"I'm here, Dr. Fein, because it upsets my mom that I'm having an impossible time with my life."
"Should it upset her?"
"Not really. Life is impossible."

extremely loud&incredibly close

lock&key.

i tried the key in all the doors,
even though he said he didn't recognize it.
it's not that i didn't trust him,
because i did.
it's that at the end of my search
i wanted to be able to say:
i don't know how i could have tried harder.
[extremely loud and incredibly close - jonathan safran foer]

"Sam tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something.

"I feel infinite."

And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they ever heard. Because the sog was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way."

the perks of being a wallflower.stephen chbosky

i will never lay down without a fight.

i've been reading donald miller's "a million miles in a thousand years".
and i mostly feel like i'm looking in a mirror.
or reading about myself.
reading about my family..

"Robert McKee put down his coffee cup and leaned onto the podium. He put his hand on his forehead and wiped back his gray hair. He said, "You have to take your character to the place where he just can't take it anymore." He looked at us with a tenderness we hadn't seen in him before. "You've been there haven't you? You've been out on the ledge. The marriage is over now; the dream is over now; nothing good can come from this."
He got louder. "Writing a story isn't about making your peaceful fantasties come true. The whole point of the story is the character arc. You didn't think joy could change a person, did you? Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it's conflict that changes a person." His voice was like thunder now. "You put your characters through hell. You put them through hell. That's the only way we change."

a couple of pages later:

"..I wasn't numb anymore. I was allowed to feel the brunt of it. The bones penetrated my chest in a sudden rip, emptying a body of blood down my shirt and onto my lap. The blood pooled in the lap of my pants and seeped into the carpet in my hotel room. I clasped my hand over my heart and knelt between the bed and the television and rolled onto the floor and cried out to God a lamenting demand that he would come and save me from the sorrow that, for the immensity of it, I could only attribute to him in the first place. I didn't want to learn whatever it was he wanted to teach me. I cried out to him an angry petititon for rescue. I doubted him and needed him at the same time. God seemed to me, in that moment, a cruel father burning a scar into my skin with his cigarette. And yet I knew he was the only one with the power to make the pain go away."

i understand nothing in this moment.

my heart feels like it's in a coma.

and further,

 if there was any hope left for love in the romantic sense,

i assure you it's dead.
my trust has been shot down within inches of obliteration.

so, good luck with that.

everyday.

no really.. are you talking about me?

{gut symmetries by jeanette winterson}

"out of the ash i will rise with my red hair

and eat men like air"

-slyvia plath

"she likened it to a childhood crush.

such strong almost obsessive feelings..

but more - it had depth.

she felt attracted to everything about him.

The way he talked, the way he dressed, the words he used.

Yet he was filled with a deep knowledge of wise insights.

He always said the right things --

even when she didn't want to hear them.

The darkness lifted&she could suddenly see beyond.

When he breezed into the room -

He brought clarity&brightness with him.

He was walking hope&she could tell that things for her be..

..not fantastic or wonderful or happily ever after..

But that they could be okay.

And that was enough"

-cecelia ahern[if you could see me now.]

let the wild rumpus begin.

another item added to my huge list of obsessions is this book:

serious love for this book+these monsters+max.

this will probably be my child's room:

so on my search for art on etsy i stumbled upon terrible yellow eyes.

i am officially in love with it. but here are a few of my favs.

and i must yet again say i get happy hands thinking about this movie.