liminality.

i'm a space cadet that over thinks everything.
i'm an over-analytical flake.
a slob with OCD.
a fantasy obsessed realist.
my brain is constructed with organized chaos.

i have a fairly broad vocabulary[i think] but i haven't heard the word liminality until now.

i'm reminded of the movie- pheobe in wonderland- about a young girl who lives between two worlds. similar to alice in wonderland, but instead of falling down a rabbit hole and having a whirlwind adventure, pheobe continuously lives in the 'in-between'.

i often feel that this is how i live my life.
This may be the reason i insist on making lists, charts, calendars, organized piles with distinction, reminders telling me not to forget to do something important, with another reminder telling me not to dismiss the previous, until its complete.

how many moments, adding up to hours, days, do i spend trying to find the answer?

there is no up, down, only in between. i work to get the first thing done, but before i can even get the materials out to do so, my mind has wandered hop, skip, and jump, three things past and i must sit and scramble to put the pieces together to find where i am.
it makes it very difficult to get much done.

structure. purpose. goals. ideals. deadlines. assignments. distractions. imagination. self distruction. excuses. shame. exhaustion.

like alice, i beg for a world that isn't the way this one is.
i would love to live among flowers that sang to me. bread&butterflies.
tea parties with no reason, but plenty of rhymes.
but again, i know, much like she eventually did, i'd beg for normalcy, structure and sense.
beg for my feet to land, lightly on the ground, right side up at the bottom of the rabbit hole.
with a way to reach the top again.
or the sense to look up.
toward the light of reality.

liminality, to me, shows that great space between;
my impervious purgatory, the incredible heaven/hell concubinage.
resistance to reality, acceptance of fantasy, allowance of uncertainty.

"if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.
nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't.
and contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be.
and what it wouldn't be, it would.
you see?" 
-alice, alice in wonderland