hodge podge.

yesterday, i found myself sitting cross legged on a hard chair in the library. headphones on. before i knew it the tears that had been welling up in my eyes for weeks were falling down my face and picking up speed by the second. i was crying. in the library. filled with people who don't know my name. who don't know my thoughts and ambitions. who don't know my likes and dislikes.

to begin with, library people, my name is sydney. my thoughts and ambitions change too rapidly for me to sit here listing them for you.. or for me to pretend like i understand them myself. today, my likes seem to be few, and my dislikes seem to be vast. i feel aimless. i feel undisciplined. i can't make myself fit into any categories i've come across.. god knows i've tried to find an appropriate label for myself. i don't know what i want "to do." i can't seem to find the proper fit. i'm a hodge podge. i want to do everything. is that so wrong? no. so, library people, please tell me, what do i do now? how do i kill time until i get to do what i want to do? why has this been the only consistent answer i have to the question"what do you want to be when you grow up"? what am i supposed to with that? can any one of you tell me, oh distinguished librarian? i can't major in hodge podge or a little bit of this and a little bit of that. i can't take classes on how to be creative. geez i think i already am. and maybe i'm realizing it a little bit too late.. but i don't want to be given a handbook of regulations on the first day of my new job. i don't want to be told i can't hug the bodies that hold the brain i'm supposed to mold. i can't stand conforming. i won't do it. i can't. maybe i should just get through school, get the job, then rebel. i'm not satisfied right now. who's to say i'll ever be satisfied with anything i've done? library people, can you tell me anything?? can anybody help me?

no one said a word.

they all just sat and stared.

oh well. guess i'll figure it out later.